20 and in love.......

20 years old now. I have no idea what I'm doing. It seems like my own life is just passing me by. I just don't seem to care enough to try and stop it. For the past couple of years my love life has been crumbling all because I care too much. So many issuers with my sons mother, I made myself look like a fool for her. Yet I know the problem is inside of me. I've accepted that I wont stop loving her, the question how do I let go? I walked away stopped speaking to her unless it was about our son, that didn't work. I tried talking to other girls but all that accomplished was me realizing how empty I really feel without her. Everyone and myself know that I should hate her for everything that has happened up to this point. How can I still be in love with someone who cheated on me? What type of fool am I to still want to kiss her lips. I know every time I see here all i want is for her to fall in my arms and be mine. Yet the mistakes we both made keep us apart, and it feels like we only lie to ourselves by staying apart. Is our relationship that broken that there is no fixing it, is it so damaged that both of us will refuse to give into to our hearts desire. I have my whole future ahead of me but I feel like it is not worth it if I don't have her by my side. The fact is every time I look at my son I see her and every beautiful thing we were and wonder what it was that went wrong. I find myself drowning in sorrow because I find my heart is still fully committed to being with her.